Day 27- Tuesday before the Library

Our third field trip, our first of what will be monthly visits to the Millennium Library, Winnipeg's downtown library, and it is already becoming routine. Excitement balanced with awareness, coming together in the morning, meditating to get focused and grounded, gathering our stuff, getting on the bus, going to the library, working- today a scavenger hunt, meeting for lunch, meeting again, library time in the afternoon, meeting for the final time, getting on the bus and going back to school, reflecting and closing the day together. It was a good day and a good sign for our visits ahead.

We all met in Mr. Y's room after attendance and everyone got settled very quickly. My class found space among the other class, Student A joined his buddy and both of them put their heads down and were surprisingly quiet. My fidgeter is less fidgety when we are in the larger group, as he watches me deal with the others- maybe he is just happy it is not him. Student B had placed himself near the front, where he sits in this class and is working to be successful, and was again today.

The annoyances occurred with my breather's buddy, who was seated across from one of Student B's friends, one who has a way of getting involved in any action that happens in our room, although never seemingly intentionally. Today as we started he turned his chair so he could put his head down, but didn't do that in the end. Instead, he and my breather's friend spent time looking at each other.

As always that weren't noisy, or disruptive to anyone but each other, and only annoying to me. My breather kept his eyes closed, his back straight and kept on breathing, and everyone else was relaxed in the meditation. I moved around the room as I gave the usual prompts, the breath count, and then we inhaled our calm and ability to make good choices, and exhaled the excess energy and excitement that distracts us and blocks those choices, but kept coming back to stand by them,

As we moved into the silence, they seemed to have settled and were finally leaving each other alone and so I went to sit down in an available chair on the other side of the room. I closed my eyes, but sensed restlessness and opened them a moment later, to see the boys making eyes and signals at each other. I got up and went to stand beside them, where I stayed, and they we quiet, for the rest of the meditation.

I wasn't impressed, but tried to breathe as I stood with my eyes closed, and realized if this was the worst of my problems then things were pretty okay. And we were on our way to the library, so the meditation wasn't perfect, and neither was the day, but all in all it was pretty okay too. It was a good start to our visits with 7 more in the months to come, It will be interesting to see what they, and the rest of this five day week, will bring.

Day 26- Quiet Monday

I wrote this on Monday but the internet went down so I couldn't post it. I almost had to question if I even wrote it, so here it is.

With two 4 day weeks behind them, and next week the start of two more 4 day weeks, today marked the Monday of their only 5 day week in the mid-term stretch. If today was any indication, it is a sign of good days to come. Maybe it was that the Monday after the long weekend left them all tired, or perhaps the mention of report cards being one month away brought a more serious feeling to the room, but whatever the case, this morning’s meditation was still and silent from beginning to end, even with the arrival of surprise visitor.

I started with my class, and after announcements and a brief update about the day we got into our meditation. Everyone was quiet before we even began so it was a very easy start. Student A had his head down on his binder, which some students had found and brought to him earlier that morning. Student B seemed a bit tired and a little preoccupied so was not seeking anyone else’s attention. He sat up, leaning his head on his hand and was quiet through the whole meditation. At one point I noticed his friend across the room looking at him, expecting some response, but today there was none. Everyone was quiet and the room was very peaceful.

A few breaths into the breath count I noticed someone at my door. There are often students coming around classrooms to use computers, as we don’t have a computer lab and the library is often booked, and there were some girls at another door, but it is unusual to have adults come to the door. The woman saw the lights were off and didn’t interrupt, but I wasn’t sure who was there, so I opened the door as I kept counting.

It turned out it was the liaison worker for my student with visual impairments, and there was a mix-up around the date, which was why I hadn’t been expecting her. As soon as I saw who it was, I gestured a welcome as I kept counting. I also signaled that we would be about three more minutes, and invited her to take my chair in the circle, as I continued with the count.  She sat down, and if my students noticed, they didn’t give any indication. No one disturbed the silence.

I continued, inviting my students to find what they need in their breath as we begin sharing our demonstrations of learning of the common errors, inhaling the confidence to believe in the work they have done and their understanding, exhaling the worry, fear and doubt that blocks them, and makes them second guess themselves.

As we moved into the silence, with my spot taken, I had to find another place to sit. I went to the other side of the class, near the computers, quietly lifted a chair, turned it around, and took a place between two tables- the beauty of the circle of my classroom; everyone has a place and there is room for many- and took part in the silence.

Again, if the students I joined noticed I was there, they didn’t show it. Within a breath or two, I also closed my eyes, so I probably wouldn’t have noticed if they did either. I took a few moments, breathing in the stillness and silence, and thought it was a good start to the week. Just before we ended, I took a moment to be grateful as I opened my eyes and looked around the room at how quiet everyone was and how calm everyone felt.  I felt happy to be in my classroom with my students- I think they did too, at least if they have to be in school.

It was a feeling that lasted through the first part of the morning, and more or less through the day…after all, it was still Monday in middle school.

I saw my switch class after lunch, which had followed TAA, and while they were a little less calm than my class had been first thing in the morning, they were relatively quiet, and relaxed, especially after I told them that their presentations wouldn’t actually start until Wednesday.

As we began, they were once again quiet, but not entirely still or silent, as is the tendency with this class, especially in the afternoons. Once the lights went off and the music began, most had their heads down. My breather breathed as usual, and his friend joined us when he quietly came back in the room, after indicating it was urgent he leave when we were about to start. I never question a kid who says that it is urgent. My fidgeter was fidgety today, as usual, but a little more so, putting his head down and then picking it up a few times in between playing with his water bottle and other objects in his reach.

Maybe because he is sitting beside my fidgeter, the boy who likes to look at me was doing that more today too, watching me as I walked around the room, putting his head down when we made eye contact and lifting it again when I had passed. He did that two or three times as I circled around and I am still not sure what he was looking for in my attention. I smiled at him and encouraged him and everyone to inhale their confidence, in their work and learning as they reflect upon it, and to exhale the worry, fear and doubt, and to be aware of what they tell themselves about their work, their learning and their efforts, inhaling honest reflection and exhaling the voice that puts us down.

I joined them in a minute or so at the end, enjoying the quiet, the near stillness and near silence before I closed the meditation. While not as peaceful as the morning, there was still a positive and focused feel in the room. We moved into reflecting on their projects, preparing for presentations and the rest of the afternoon, including getting ready for another field trip tomorrow. Much like the meditation, it went very quickly and smoothly. I have a feeling the rest of the week will too.

Day 25- Friday MTS Professional Development Day- Meditating with Teachers

MTS Professional Development Day is the only professional development day of the year when teachers get to choose an area of interest to explore for their own professional development, learning and growth. I am grateful to have found a home with Manitoba Middle Years Association (MMYA- mmya.org) where I can present and share my research and experience with other teachers, as I have for the last four years since I completed my Masters.

My session, which I expanded last year to the whole day format, has continued to be a popular choice, and like last year sold out with 40 participants, at least for the morning. As I began the morning session, and I expressed my gratitude to my participants for their presence and the choice they had made to be there, I also emphasized how I believed this is a day for teachers to take care of themselves and learn in the way they feel they need to learn, so I wouldn't be taking attendance, or offense, if people didn't come back in the afternoon, with a reminder to fill out their feedback form and note their presence. This is a hard pill to swallow, because I really want everybody to come back in the afternoon. and I want to mean it when I say I won't be offended, which means I have to work with my ego and remind myself it is not always, or rarely ever, about me. I also appreciate the 25 or so teachers who did come back for the afternoon all the more, because I know that they really want to be there.

My morning session pretty much outlines the points of my comprehensive project with stories to illustrate my experience, and in the hour and fifteen minutes I spent with the 40 or so teachers, we opened with the 4 minute and 38 second, inhale, 2, 3, 4 meditation I use through the month of September and ended with a 5 minute and 44 second daily, finding what we need, meditation just before lunch. In between those meditations, I just talked, answering the few questions that came up along the way. I am not sure where it came up recently, but there was a discussion about preparedness leading to spontaneity and freedom that has resonated with me, and that I felt as I was getting ready for yesterday, and throughout the day as I was presenting.

In the early years of my presentations, I felt internal pressure to use a PowerPoint presentation, not because I needed it, but because I felt I needed to prove something to my audience and make a statement about my credibility. But when I was presenting with slides, I felt limited by them, always worrying if I was in tune with my slides and covering what they said. It was not natural to the rhythm and flow of any particular group, and felt counterintuitive to the nature of the themes of holistic education, and spirituality and meditation in the classroom.

Yesterday, when I got to the classroom, I loaded a few links and pieces I thought I might need, put my contact information, chapter information (I had to search on the ESWB- Education for Sustainable Well-Being press to find the link, because the google scholar link didn't work), and blog site on the board, and had my portable speaker and Ipad for my music. It has now been about 3 years that I have been presenting this way, at holistic conferences, in university and middle school classrooms, for a middle school staff, and again today at MTS day- basically whenever I can. It has become second nature, an extension of my teaching practice, and is an absolute pleasure. It has become what I consider a large part of my educational purpose, to support other teachers in their classroom practices by destigmatizing holistic education, and spirituality and meditation in the classroom.

Among the pieces I loaded was a slide illustrating mindfulness as the presence to be in the moment when receiving stimuli, and the ability to discern between a reaction, often automatic and not mindful, and a response, which is thoughtful and facilitated through mindfulness, or a mindful pause. As I opened, I told them this was the only time I planned to use the projector, which didn't mean we wouldn't use it, but that they didn't have to worry about it, or rely on it, and that they should find a place where they were comfortable in the room. It was a very large classroom, but with 40 adults it was still very cramped. I began with an explanation of the illustration, which sums up the essence of mindfulness.  It is not a program, many of which are on the market and being touted in schools today, but a practice, which has been around for a long time, in the act of living mindfully in the present moment, whatever the present moment is.

I am always wary of educational programs, which are often brought in with huge ceremony, or an authoritative voice, and hailed as "the" program with "the" answers to learning, whether it is in Math, classroom management or mindfulness. I have seen it happen to many times that teachers are handed a package, or put through, or even sometimes choose to go through PD, which is said to be "the way," at the expense of other methods, experience or successful practice that may already be in place. While most of these programs have some value, and there are usually one or two nuggets teachers can identify and use, there is no one way for every student to learn any given concept or skill, and packages are usually more about cushioning someone's bottom line, or advancing someone's career than serving students, As I began, I made it very clear that I don't have any opinions about any packages on mindfulness, though I know of several being used in schools. I believe that teachers are experts in their classrooms, and can use the resources with which they are comfortable and serve their students in the areas of mindfulness and meditation, as they do with all other choices they make around curriculum and supporting resources, and that if they were hoping for a package or handout, they hand come to the wrong session. Having said that, I also emphasized that I am very happy to share my experiences, research and resources, and invited everyone to ask questions as I spoke, talk to me during the breaks, or contact me after and I would send them any information they need.

Even though I reassured my participants of this several times during the session, and insisted I did have slides I could send them that included everything we were doing, there were many who took notes throughout the session.  This never ceases to amaze me, because anyone who has ever been in any class, meeting or PD session with me knows I rarely take notes, but come prepared with a huge selection of markers and paper for doodling. I have a lovely art wall in my living room that is the best byproduct of my university studies.

As I begin my presentations and introduce myself, like on Friday, I try to be very transparent about who I am, why I do what I do, and my core values and beliefs. One of the big differences I have noticed when working with adults is my own acute awareness of cultural differences and the knowledge and experience that others in the room may have. This also holds true with my students, of course, but their knowledge and experience is limited to 12 years, and as I discovered in class again recently, they are not even aware of most of the cultural stereotypes. As the age and experience of the audience grows so does my sensitivity to each person's experience, and a little more so when meditation is obviously inherent to that person's culture.

When I started meditating in the spring of 1994, I was 24 in Tel Aviv and had been told by a tarot card reader that learning to breathe better would be essential to avoiding suffering in my life. Though I thought it was ridiculous, it stuck with me and I bought a book on breathing and started practicing meditation and working with my breath. Shortly after that I learned I was breathing backwards, sucking my belly in when I inhaled, instead of letting it expand to use my full lung capacity. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know it was possible to breathe backwards. But I had never played an instrument, and my grade 5 choir teacher had told me to mouth the words, so I had never been taught to breath properly. These revelations changed my life and I have been working with my breath, learning, and practicing meditation ever since.

I try to make it clear that though experienced, I am no expert. I have learned from many teachers in many places over the years and put it together to develop one way of meditating that works for me and my students. It is not the right way, or the best way, just the way that works for me that I am grateful to share. I am very straightforward in sharing my own personal struggles with discipline, starting and stopping, being slow to change- one of my challenges, for over 20 years I have been consistently inconsistent or inconsistently consistent, depending on the day, which I think is part of what makes me such a good teacher. I can be consistent for and with my students in my classroom, to help them bring discipline to their lives, because I want better for them. I am open with my participants about the good days and the bad days both in life and the classroom, and my continuing gratitude that the good days continue to outnumber the bad.

I also welcome feedback from the start. I acknowledge my experience and a certain level of expertise in my classroom, and with the research in education and meditation, I also recognize that there are others in the room who may have a lot more knowledge and experience than I, and invite participants to feel free to share. In 1994, cultural appropriation was not part of our social consciousness, and while I believe I am, and have always been, working within the realm of cultural appreciation, and have been learning and sharing something of a universal practice, with commonalities in many cultures and some religions, with sincerity and respect for the benefit of myself and my students. Yet, when I present and work with teachers today, I am very aware of the time, place, and the social constructs of 2016. It is never my intention to offend anyone, or to make assumptions, and I bring that awareness to my presentations in the introduction.

Then we began, Moving into the meditations with adult learners is not challenging, especially in a session where teachers have chosen, sometimes even paid out-of-pocket, to be there, as there is no need to manage behaviour. Like kids, teachers are reluctant to answer questions, whether it is before, about meditation and its purpose, or after, to share their experiences. I let them know that pretty much everything I was saying to them I say to my students, including that it is okay to wait out the awkward silences and give people, young or old, the chance to process their ideas and respond. With this group it worked, and a couple answered my questions about the purpose of meditation, to stop our thoughts by bringing our focus and attention to our breath, and a couple shared their experiences after, noticing the strange passage of time and other sensations and feelings.

The morning session went by very quickly. The first 4 minute and 38 second meditation was done before I knew it, which is also what one of the participants stated, noting her surprise. The room was too crowded to circle around the entire space, which was strange for me- I really like to walk around because it helps me keep the count even. Everyone participated, sitting up straight, breathing with the count, not surprising or remarkable for a group of adults who chose this session. Also one of the reasons I love these sessions. The meditations are peaceful, and there is power in our coming together to breathe.

I talked pretty naturally, sharing a lot of what I wrote in my comprehensive project, my chapter, and in this blog. My Masters Comprehensive Project explored educational research in holistic education, spirituality, and meditation in the classroom and its benefits, from the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual perspectives, and then in connection to the whole child, which I illustrate for my participants, reminding them, they can chose not to believe, or also tell any naysayers or objectors, that even if they don't believe any of it, sitting quietly for 5 minutes will not hurt them or their students. There is never enough time to cover everything in an hour, so I alway hope I am not forgetting the most important parts and appreciate when people ask questions, because I know I am telling them things they want to know.

We started the second meditation just 10 minutes before the lunch break. A couple of people were scribbling their notes as we were getting started, and I reminded them I could send them the material and they were more important than their writing. Everyone moved into the meditation easily and peacefully. I moved through the prompts, breath count and took my time with the description of full, deep inhales, the hold, and the slow, steady exhales and the different qualities. I figured this is the only experience we have together, so I tried to be thorough, even though it did not leave a lot of time for silence at the end. I did sit down and join in the stillness for 5 or 6 breaths, in which I noted my excitement and enjoyment in the presentation and my gratitude for the opportunity and the experience of the morning.

Lunch was supplied, which was a bonus for presenting, and lovely to hang out with some colleagues and people I don't get to see too often. After lunch, there was a keynote address by Thomas Falkenberg, of the University of Manitoba, who beyond being very interesting and speaking on the important topic of sustainable well-being, is hugely important to me, as he sat on my Masters committee and gave me the opportunity to publish my work through the ESWB, chapter 11 in his (et al) book. http://www.eswb-press.org/uploads/1/2/8/9/12899389/sustainable_well-being_2014.pdf

His talk on Education for Sustainable Well-Being spoke of the school's growing role in actively teaching well-being, through skills and practice, and the responsibility to do so to meet the needs of children as they grown. He connected Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to research in sustainability, well-being and positive psychology, to illustrate the urgency in addressing the needs of our students on all levels, using a holistic approach.

As I walked away from his address what resonated with me most was the responsibility to help our students build a positive identity and a sense of self, which fosters belonging, because if we don't take steps to actively move in this direction, then a negative sense of self grows in its place by default. When we don't speak to our students, they often hear the words we don't say even more clearly.

As I started the afternoon session, noting my deep gratitude to the 25 or so people who had returned, and the one gentleman who joined, I shared my thoughts and the timeliness of implementing practices like meditation as a tool, to support the ideas Thomas had been promoting. I also shared the work of Catherine O'Brien from Cape Breton University on Sustainable Happiness (sustainablehappiness.ca). She had been one of the keynote speakers at the Holistic Convention this past May and Thomas' talk had reminded me of her work.

It struck me to share her website with my participants as she promotes actively growing and sustaining happiness by exploring what it means to be happy, moving beyond the material, and ways we can bring happiness to our life. In her talk in May, she spoke of varieties of affluence that go beyond the material or financial, including "time affluence," and a awareness of how we spend our time, or sometimes even having leisure time to spare, and "nature affluence," in which we grow an appreciation of, and find happiness in, nature. It seemed important, and timely, to share this information with the group, as well as stress the urgency to bring this kind of learning to our classrooms and not discount the steps they could take and their impact.

After that introduction we went into a short moving meditation, half sun salutations, to energize us for the rest of the afternoon. I explained I like to use these when we are outside and can connect with nature and our surroundings, but as long as they have an arm's length of room around them this meditation, like most, can been done anywhere. With only 25 people in the room in the afternoon there was enough room for everyone to spread out.

Before they did, as I was introducing the meditation, I gave a little information and then said I would demonstrate one round first and they could either watch or feel free to join in. Most often when I do this with kids we are outside and they are already standing, but wherever we are, they rarely watch a round. They just jump in, half listening, sort of watching as they go. It was very strange to demonstrate the half sun salutation, and move through the 3 breaths, having everyone sitting in their seats around me. I didn't feel self-conscious or awkward, it was just weird, because it was the first time that everyone was actually watching and listening to me. When I was done, everyone got up and joined in. We moved through a series of 5 rounds, 3 with me giving direction and 2 in silence. It felt good to move and lovely to stand in silence, in a moment of gratitude as I felt my heartbeat. Maybe I should do that with my students more in the afternoons.

Before I spoke about METTA meditations to close the afternoon, I addressed one of the most common pieces of feedback I hear from teachers, together with their desire to do something like a meditation practice in their classroom, is the worry that they are not experts, that they are not good enough or will somehow do it wrong. I understand the fear and have wrestled with it myself in many ways. In my experience it is a common fear of teachers, when teaching in all sorts of subject areas.

As a Jewish educator, I teach Holocaust with a certain intimacy and expertise, but if only Jewish educators taught Holocaust, there would not be a lot of learning on a very important part of history, or the opportunity to grow compassion and understanding, I am grateful to gentile educators who take on this responsibility even if they do not consider themselves experts or have the same level of learning I do in the area.

This is how I came to understand reconciliation and my role in it as an educator as well. It doesn't matter that I am not indigenous and most of my students are not either. I have a responsibility to teach what we have to come understand as Canada's true dark history- the racial disposition upon which Canada was founded, which led to a cultural genocide that lasted 7 generations, and its lasting impact, including the systemic discrimination and marginalization of indigenous people, and the resulting issues, like the intergenerational trauma, poverty and addiction- in order to take active steps to help my students gain a deeper understanding, and be a part of reconciliation today for a better future. It is my responsibility as an educator. If we don't, who will?

It may have seemed like a tangent to my participants, but to me it is all connected. Holocaust and Indigenous educations are issues of Social Justice, and advocating for student, and teacher, well-being is also an issue of Social Justice. If we don't teach well-being, and practices like meditation, then who will?

So I encourage teachers to find the resources they need, the ones they are comfortable with, just as they do with all of the other important learning they do in their classrooms. To that end, I showed a little five minute video, which contains a one minute meditation, to illustrate everything I tried to demonstrate in our practice- because kids believe it when it is on youtube- and because it highlights how simple it is to find different resources that can be fun for kids and teachers can be comfortable with. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8)

The video is fun and simple, and a good place for teachers with less experience, or teacher candidates jumping into their practicums, to start. It is also a good place to emphasize one point of caution. While meditation is a powerful tool, holding a variety of benefits to help one cope in life, it is not a magic cure to anything.

It is important to remind oneself, and when working with kids to remember, when we take a few breaths we might feel a little bit better, but it doesn't make everything different or alright. It doesn't change reality or make uncomfortable emotions disappear. It is a tool to help us manage our emotions and life's events, but it won't solve everything or change one's circumstances, though it might support us in finding the ideas and strength to do what we need to do to ultimately change our circumstances. It is that calm in the storm, rather than wishing the storm away, type of feeling that we can gain from meditation, or spiritual practice, by consciously fostering our well-being and happiness in all areas of our lives and the lives of our students. It is important to me that I stress what meditation is and is not at some point during the session.

With about 40 minutes left in the day, and wanting to end a bit early, because we are all teachers and theses PD days are the only days we can do this, I went into METTA meditations, the explanation, and a couple of stories. One, when we extended our caring and compassion to the people of Japan after the earthquake in 2011 and then learned my VP's son and family were there, and  the second, dealing with the death of the student's parent, both our which are told in detail in my chapter. I also talked about September 11th and Orange Shirt Day (September 30th) this year as shared in the blog.

We went into the meditation and the room was so quiet that within a minute or two of walking around my squeaky shoes were driving me crazy. I didn't know if anyone else noticed, but I figured if I did  someone else must. After trying to stand still failed within a few breaths I just slipped off my shoes and went on guiding the meditation barefoot.

As we moved through the steps, extending our caring and compassion, first to ourselves, then with loved ones, then an acquaintance, and finally out into the world, wherever they felt a need, near or far, and there was a peace and quiet in the room. I think everyone was very happy for the opportunity to relax and there was a palpable feeling of clam in the stillness of the room. There was no shuffling or fidgeting, just peace.

I joined in the minute or two of silent gratitude, and for the umpteenth time that day felt a supreme sense of appreciation for the people in the room, the day, and the opportunity to do what I really love to do, work with teachers who really want to be there and share my experience and learning. I wished I could go into their classrooms and work with them and their students, and noted that I will keep working towards that goal....here I am writing towards it.

After the meditation ended, I opened the final moments to any last questions, comments or ideas, and once again waited some time through the awkward silence, before I reminded everyone that their feedback was valued and to fill in the forms before they had a wonderful weekend, and I once again thanked them for their presence.

Their thank-yous as they left and the positive feedback on the forms was really amazing. I sifted through the comments, happily noting that by and large people had appreciated the meditations and the time and guidance to meditate, as well as me and my passion. It was really gratifying. It was an amazing day, and I am grateful to the people who attended my session, MMYA, and MTS PD Day.

Day 24- A smoother Thursday

Today was a much smoother day. With Band and then Choir to start the day, I saw each of my classes before lunch, with my switch class in period 3 and my class in period 4. Though everyone was excited for their day off tomorrow, there was also a sense of urgency as they know their projects are due on Monday, and there was also a list of assignments they had to be sure they had in. They had a lot of work to get done in the short periods we had together, with TAA taking up part of the afternoon and PLC's annoying mine, taking up my prep time.

My switch class came to me first and they were less settled than yesterday. They were still quiet from the beginning of the meditation to the end, but they were not still or silent. It was fine, good enough, but not great.

From within a few minutes of starting through to the end, there was never quite stillness in the room. It didn't come from one place in particular, it wasn't only my fidgeter, though he was fidgeting on and off too, but from different students in all corners of the room- the shuffle of a chair, the tapping of a finger, the squeaking of a table or a shoe, all contributed to a slight restlessness in the room.

And at the same time, it was quiet. As I moved through the prompts, the breath count, and then guided them to find what they needed today, to inhale whatever quality they felt like they wanted to grow- the focus, the confidence, the positivity- and to feel it growing inside them, and to exhale the opposing quality- the distractions, the fear, the negativity- and to feel it lessening inside them, they were quiet. Despite the subtle annoyances, that are perhaps only noticeable to me because I am observing them, my breathers kept on breathing, and thankfully everyone else did too, and there was silence in the room.

When we were done, I pointed out the disruptions I had noticed. I demonstrated the noise of the table squeaking on the floor, the crumpling of the bottle, and other movements and how they add up, realizing I had not had this conversation with this class before. I reminded them how we are all in this together and so each movement affects the entire class. No one lives in a bubble.

I mentioned the asthma story, which I had clearly never mentioned before, because it led to a whole discussion of asthma and its effects, as well as lung function and the size of the lungs, stretching the length of our rib cage, from top to bottom, and requiring time to empty and fill. They were quite engaged in the discussion, as well as concerned about the welfare of the girl who had had the asthma attack, and it was an interesting chat. Then it ended, and we move on to the work of the day.

My class came back 40 minutes later and were also more restless today than yesterday too, but still quieter than my switch class. Student A had been reading on the beanbag chair in the hallway, and I invited him to join us for the meditation and then go back to reading, but he told me preferred to keep reading, and I wasn't going to argue. At least I can trust him to stay there and keep reading.

Everyone else settled in, and Student B showed his need for attention almost as soon as we began. I stood in front of him as he started to smirking across the room at his friend, who was of course looking at him. I once again reminded him that he didn't need his friend's attention, or mine, that he could take a few minutes to look within, or he could just sit there. He put his head down for a minute or two.

After the usual prompts and breath count, I encouraged them to find what they need this morning as well, breathing in whatever quality the wished to grow and exhaling the negative quality which gets in the way. As I sat down and we moved into a minute or two of silence, the room was quiet, but also not still. The boy beside me was scratching his leg, which was clearly very itchy, and while it would not have been noticeable at all during regular classroom activities, it was very obvious during a meditation. Though not intentional, the student, the same one who had brought the fart to my attention, was quite apologetic for the stir he caused in a whisper. No one reacted outwardly, except Student B, who had decided to use the opportunity to practice his breath, deeply and pretty loudly. I let it go for a few breaths, but when it was the only noise in the room and it kept getting louder, I let out a "Shh," the kind that sounds like I am leaking, and opened my eyes to give him a look. As I had hoped it did the trick, and we finished the meditation in relative silence.

As I turned on the lights, I talked about being itchy during a meditation and trying to breath through it until it goes away. I told them about an experience I had had when I had been meditating and my palm got itchy- I was trying to ignore it and breath through it, and at one point the itchy feeling was so intense I experienced a strong burning sensation that felt like it would never end, I felt like my hand was on fire. But somehow, I just kept breathing, and bringing my attention to each inhale and each exhale, and then suddenly the feeling was gone. I remembered not noticing exactly when it had stopped and being surprised that it had, almost as though I had forgotten about it.

Before we got to work I also confessed that I had almost lost it, and my laughter had nearly ruined the meditation this morning. As we started and I gave the usual prompts, I noticed that just about everyone had put their head down as usual, but today so did one EA. With Student A busy reading, she could take a few moments for herself to breath, and today it seemed she really needed it. I had to laugh, and managed to keep the chuckle in my head, but very much appreciated the moment. Sometimes even adults need to put their head down for 5 minutes.

We all had a good chuckle when I shared my thoughts with them and then we moved into a very nice, and productive Fake-Friday. I  am looking forward to meeting new teachers, seeing colleagues and longtime friends, taking in the keynote speaker, Thomas Falkenberg, of the U of M, who is also the professor who published my work, and presenting at Manitoba Middle Years Association tomorrow, but I can't complain about today. It was a good day.  

Day 23- A Crazy Busy Wednesday

Fighting a cold/sinus/infection/some sort of virus, and waking up with a headache, sore throat and stuffy nose, I stayed home to rest and get better yesterday, and feeling somewhat better, though still not entirely well, I went back to school today.

The note I returned to from the substitute was that everyone had had a good day, and with the exception of Student A, had been quite productive. I learnt later, as they got to work and I checked their progress, that we have different ideas of productive, but that is life in middle school and not entirely surprising. I was happy with cooperative, respectful and quiet.

First thing in the morning, before the day had begun, I also learnt from the note and other reports that Student A had had a tough day yesterday, and as we started the day, and I was taking attendance and he starting poking the person beside him, it was clear his bad day was carrying over to today.

I noticed him reaching over to the table beside him, poking the boys and reaching for their stuff, and there was no choice but to put a stop to it as sternly and clearly as possible, yet even as I raised my voice, which I don't have to do to be loud, and yelled, "No!," he continued to poke the boy beside him.

I went over to his desk and remained firm, pointing out that he had a lot of space, the boys had been exceptionally patient, and others would have been so annoyed they would have gotten themselves in trouble hitting him, and we were all getting fed up with having to ask him to keep his hands to himself. When he continued poking at the boys, I moved the table apart from his, creating about an 8 inch gap, and then moved his table in the other direction another couple of inches. One of the EAs (Educational Assistants) sat herself between Student A and the two boys, creating a physical barrier between them and Student A finally started to settle, turning his attention to folding the papers in front of him into airplanes.

As I went back to my computer to finish attendance, I commented that perhaps Student A had missed me yesterday and this was his way of showing his affection, a comment I often make when students are bickering, insulting each other, or even coming to blows, acknowledging his need for attention. I also noted that I was getting tired of telling him to leave people alone, and that everyone else was getting tired of hearing it, to which one of the students responded with a resounding, "Yeah." At first she was embarrassed, but I let her know that it was okay that she expressed how she felt, it was important, especially when it is done respectfully.

I went on to talk about expressing all of our emotions in a healthy and respectful way, including anger. I reminded them all that it was okay to get angry, and to express anger with respectful words, not insults or fists, and to remember, that anger, like all emotions, doesn't last for long. It passes, and then we move forward. I also reminded them that everyone gets angry sometimes, and everyone has someone get angry at them sometimes, and that we all work through it and live through it, which is why it is so important we recognize our anger for what it is. It is also one of the reasons we meditate, to help us breathe through these events in life, these moments of anger, to help let them go, learn from them and move forward.

Which is exactly what we did, and once we finally got started I was really hoping we could enjoy 5 minutes or so of quiet, because I was already exhausted. Just before we began, Student A chose to fly one of his airplanes across the room, landing in front of me. I wasn't sure how to respond. I really didn't want to fight with him, so I gave him a look, told him exactly that, and that I expected the behaviour would stop. Then I started the meditation.

The lights went off and I began the music and the prompts and made my way around the room and over to Student A. For the first 2 minutes or so I stood beside him, as I gave the posture prompts, through the breath count and into the guided breath. At first as I stood there, Student A had his airplane in hand and was flying it in front of his face. He was quiet enough, but not silent. As his noises got louder, I moved a little closer, placing my hand over his gently, encouraging him to relax. He resisted at first and then stopped. When he did, I took a step back, hoping he would settle. He picked up his plane again for a few seconds, and then put it down again and put his head down.

Once he settled, I moved closer, put my hand on his back, encouraging him and everyone to inhale positivity for the day ahead, and exhaling the negativity, and to work with their emotions, inhaling the calm and exhaling the anger or fear. I stayed beside him for a moment or two, grateful that he had finally relaxed and was quiet.

The stillness in the room did not last for long, as all the attention on Student A had been too much for Student B, who is making great progress overall, still wedged between the girls on both sides, but still taking almost as many steps backwards as he does forward. Today he held it together, not causing any major disruptions, but still felt the need to call attention, making eyes with his friend across the room, the same friend of Student A, who had been hit with the stick.

Early in the meditation, before I had made my way to Student A, Student B went into the arm postures, while smirking with his friend. As I circled around the room, I stopped by him, gently placing my hand on his, looking him in the eye, reminding him he didn't need this kind of attention, that he was growing, and he had moved past it. He knew I was right, and the look in his eyes told me he understood, as did the fact that he put down his head, where it stayed for a while.

Once Student A had settled, I made my way over to Student B, giving him the same attention I had given Student B, reminding him to breathe in the confidence to know we are growing, and to exhale the fear that makes us think we are not. Student B let himself relax into the rest of the meditation.

Once they were both quiet, I still wasn't sure it was safe to sit down and join in the meditation, but I was tired and I needed it too, and so I decided I had better. It was the last minute and a half or so, and it was lovely. I closed my eyes and breathed in the silence. Then I took my own advice, and a few deep breaths, breathing in patience, and letting go of my impatience, with my students and myself. As the track ended, I took one full deep breath, inhaling my gratitude for these moments of quiet before we got started.

Then they got to work on their projects and I checked their progress, noting I have quite a few very artistic perfectionists, who also like to chat, and a few students who need to gain a deeper understanding of what hard work and productive use of time looks like. This is not surprising, as it is essentially what I teach in middle school, regardless of what we are learning. It was amazing how much work they got done in the 30 minutes of class time that followed calling them on their "work", further illustrating my point.

We switched classes for period 2 again this morning and so I saw my switch class at 9:45. I enjoy seeing this class early in the day and this meditation was thankfully much less eventful. Perhaps they sensed my agitation from earlier in the morning, or maybe they were just relaxed in general, but the reason doesn't matter too much, because I was happy to enjoy a very peaceful meditation. There were no noises or disruptions. Just about everyone had their heads down, including the girls who look around and Student 1, my fidgeter. I was surprised to notice his head was down through most of the meditation. My breathers were the only ones sitting up straight today, breathing as usual.

The prompts and focus were pretty much the same, what has become a regular daily meditation, inhaling focus, exhaling distraction, inhaling confidence, exhaling fear. There was less to say with this class and the directions went quickly, leaving about 2 and a half minutes of silence to enjoy. I was grateful to have another moment to sit and catch my breath. My room was very warm, I still wasn't feeling great, and the day had had a rough start. Sometimes I need these moments more than my students. Relationships are fragile and I have 23 or 46 in a room at a time at stake. While not impossible to overcome, blowups, or even flippant, careless remarks, can cause a lot of damage and take a lot of time and energy to heal. It is so much better when they can be avoided.

I know some are inevitable. I am human, flawed and I have a lot of patience, until the moment it runs out. But a few minutes of quiet breath, like this morning go a long way to help me maintain my sanity, and make for better days.

Student A didn't have the best day. His day got worse and he had much worse day than mine. But I will be able to be there for him again tomorrow, to begin another day, with a clean slate and a fresh start, because I took the time to breathe today. As long as we keep breathing, we never run out of chances. Every breath is a fresh start to a new now.

And tomorrow is another day....at least it is a Friday on a Thursday day, with  PD and meditating with teachers to look forward to on Friday.

Day 23- Monday Morning, 5 minutes for the day

The forecast for our field trip was good and it did not disappoint. By the time both classes came together just after 9 a.m., to prepare for our outdoor field trip-a scavenger hunt on our Legislature grounds, then a short walking tour through downtown, noticing some federal and provincial government buildings and services, before we took the river walk to The Forks, for lunch and some time on the playground, finally returning to school to reflect on our day- the sun was already shining and it was clear it was going to be a beautiful fall day.

Everyone was excited, but have also notably improved at balancing their enthusiasm with a cooperative and respectful mindfulness of themselves and their surroundings. We had already gotten everything we would need organized on Friday, though of course several had to ask what they would need, and it didn't take long to get settled in Mr. Y's room. They have also gotten accustomed to making room for both classes and seating themselves in places they know they will be successful.

Today everyone got comfortable very quickly, with Mr. Y's class sitting in their usual seats and my class arranging themselves around them. My breather and his friend, who has become a breather too, were on opposite sides of the room, and beside my breather was another boy, who was also happy to sit up straight and breathe- more students do this more often when we are outside of my classroom- and on the other side of my breather sat Student A.

With only 30 minutes before our bus was scheduled to depart, I told them we would move into our meditation right away, and chose a slightly shorter track, at 5 minutes and 27 seconds. Everyone was quiet and pretty still as I started the prompts, but within the first 30 seconds Student A had focused on distracting my breather. Without actually touching him, he started waving his hands in front of his face in an effort to call attention.

I continued the breath count as I made my way across the room to Student A, who saw me moving towards him, stopped momentarily, and then continued to wave his hand in front of my breather's face, until I was standing right beside him, when he finally stopped and put his head down. I am not certain whether my breather noticed at all, or just didn't give Student A the satisfaction, but he was undisturbed and stayed with the meditation.

I stood there for the next four minutes, the remainder of the meditation, as I went through the rest of the prompts and into the silence. As I spoke, guiding my students to visualize the day ahead, inhaling their positivity to make the day productive and fun, and exhaling their negativity and the distractions that cause them to make bad choices, I rubbed Student A's back, encouraging him to relax, I continued, guiding them to inhale their calm to make good choices and exhaling the fear, worries and doubts that may block them, still standing behind Student A, intermittently rubbing his back.

As we progressed into a minute or so of silence, Student A was quiet, as was everyone else, even Student 1, who was fidgeting with his sweater, watching me with Student A, but not calling attention. The last minute was still and peaceful, though standing there made it feel longer than the usual tracks,which was a strange thought to note as I took a few breaths.

In the end, it was only 5 minutes and 27 and it was time to close the meditation and get ready to go. It was very quiet as we gave them the final instructions and obligatory reminders, and then we were on our way.

The day itself was pretty perfect. The weather cooperated, which helped the students enjoy the scavenger hunt and appreciate bits of history in the monuments, some of which we will study together, and other they may chose to follow up on in inquiry projects.

The weather was also perfect for walking. Not cold, but not warm enough to bring out too many people, even nearing the lunch hour. Our students continued to breakdown stereotypes as they did a great job sticking to the right on the sidewalk, leaving room for others even though we were a group of over 45 and made several stops on the way. Even Student A managed to walk with a stick without hitting people with it.

By the time we arrived for The Forks at lunch, everyone was starving and already tired. They were also on time for each and every meeting point, even after lunch, and earned their time on the playground, where they used the last of their energy. Everyone, including me, was pretty wiped as we came back to school, so we took a few minutes to relax before we moved into the reflections.

As I handed them out one remarked that I looked like a test. I responded that these are the best tests I give them, because I understand what they really learned, and they almost always surprise me. I am sure this set of reflections will be no different.

Our days in the world always bring our most interesting learning and today was no different, I wish I could do these field trips even more often, and I am very grateful for these days we do get to enjoy.

Day 22- Quiet Friday Morning

It was a Friday, getting ready for a field trip on Monday. It was going to be a good day. Switching up our schedule meant we split the first two periods, one period of Math and one period of LA for each class. It also meant back to back meditations, in period one and then period two, with both meditations were done before 10:00 a.m. Whether it was the timing, or just the day itself, it lead to two peaceful meditations and the start to a good Friday (no pun intended).

I began with my class first thing in the morning, but before we started the day I did some rearranging of the seating. I had been thinking about splitting up Student B and his buddies- finally- anyway, but my decision was clinched when I arrived to their arguing/nearly coming to blows over something, and one boy bothering the other, and that was that. I asked some girls to switch tables with the two boys, then I offered Student B the chance to slide in the other direction and sit beside a quiet boy on the other side, but he declined, and stayed where he was, now surrounded by girls.

After the switch, but before we started class, I took the opportunity to have another conversation, one of our continuing conversations, with Student B, about the work he is doing every day, the progress he is making, and the natural tendency of human nature to take one step forward and two steps back, especially as we are learning, and to be aware of both, to credit the successes and progress, and pay attention to the steps back, but not get down on ourselves and use them as an excuse to give up.

As everyone was getting settled in their new seats, and Student B displayed his dissatisfaction through his sulk, I told him one of my favourite stories, which caught the attention of most of the class. About 6 or 7 years ago, I had a student very similar to Student B- my experience holds one or two every year- and that year the student struggled to stay focused and get his work done. He was very capable, as is Student B, and I was on him to get it done- another classic paradox of teaching, what I saw as encouragement, he saw as nagging, at best.

One day this student asked me, very earnestly, "Ms. Satran, don't you like me?" I was taken aback as this kid, though also somewhat entertaining, was indeed quite likeable. I responded that I was surprised by his question, and of course I liked him. I went into the lengthy explanation of my behaviour being a demonstration of how much I liked him, as well as how I  believed in his abilities and potential, finally concluding that I do everything I do because I care about him. 

As I finished the five minute response he had probably forgotten he would receive, and tuned out half, he looked up at me and responded, "Could you care less?"

That story drew a laugh from Student B, and the others, as it usually does, and I assured him I could never care less about him, or any of them, and then it was 9 o'clock and time to start the day. After announcements, attendance and going over the day's changes in schedule, we got into our meditation quickly. The friend who sits across from Student B, who he sometimes tries to impress, was off at cross country and so there was no one for him to look to for attention, and in his unhappy state it didn't matter. He quickly put his head down, as did his buddies, who were quiet in their new seats, as was everyone else, almost everyone with their heads down as usual.

The 5 minutes and 44 seconds went quickly and quietly. I prompted the posture, breathe count, inhaling and exhaling focus and distraction as they worked on their projects, as well as inhaling their patience and exhaling their impatience, with the work, each other, me and themselves. It didn't take more than 3 minutes to give direction and so the last half of the track was spent in silence, enjoying the moments and the breath. I had my eyes closed for most of the time, but opened them towards the end, just to take in the peace and stillness of the classroom. It was a great way to start the day and a bonus for a Friday.

Forty five minutes later when my switch class came it was just about as quiet, but a little more annoying. I started the meditation within a minute or two of their arrival in class and they settled pretty quickly. It was fairly typical- my breathers sat up straight, the other boys have resigned to putting their heads down, and Student 1 sat up and fidgeted with something, but it was quiet in the room.

Within the first few breaths I noticed that two of the girls, regular lookers around, had decided to continue their game from the library and were looking at each other. They weren't disrupting, or calling the attention of others, but they were distracting and calling each other's attention. As I continued the meditation, walking around the room, I gave them each a glance, indicating I was aware of their communication, hoping that would be enough.

When they continued their smiles, glances, and subtle gestures, though admittedly kind of cute, I was also getting annoyed. I moved to the centre of the room, continuing with the breath count, and stopping to stand directly in front of one of the girls, blocking their line of vision. They put their heads down for a moment, until I moved on. When the other girl continued as I took the next step, I acknowledged my own annoyance with their resistance, similar to the annoyance I feel when they resist any of the learning experiences I try to facilitate for them, amplified slightly because I feel the meditation is more important than all the other learning we do (perhaps put together). 

On this day, I also recognized that I was particularly annoyed because one of the girls has a sister with whom I worked for the last two years. I realized that though perhaps unfair, the bias was less about how different she is from her sister- both fabulous girls in different ways- and more about the fact that as an extension of the relationship with her sister, I had developed a relationship with her, and so her resistance to me and my values feels even more disrespect as a result, more of a betrayal. I demonstrated my disapproval with a look worthy of any middle school girl, and one I hoped she would appreciate, or at least understand- a cross between an eyebrow raise, scowl, and eyeroll to end all eyerolls. I know that she noticed because she promptly put her head down for a moment.

As I continued the meditation, still in the middle of the room, intermittently standing in front of the girls, and we brought our attention to the rhythm of our natural breath, noticing each inhale and exhale, I acknowledged the challenges meditation brings. I told them, as I made eye contact with each girl that I knew it was difficult to look inside, that sometimes it is scary to recognize things about ourselves, especially if it means that then we have to make a change, but that it is also important, and that they are worth it, they deserve to give themselves the time to look within, or at least just take a few minutes to breath without worrying about anyone else.

Then I prompted them to inhale to confidence to believe in themselves, everything they had to do and their ability to follow through, and exhale the fear that blocks them from giving themselves the chance. As we moved into the silence, which was only the last minute and a half or so of the meditation, the girls had calmed and everyone was pretty quiet. Student 1 had been fidgeting less, but as we came to the end, his movement caused small disruptions, never really allowing to the complete peace of the room before. But it was quiet, and enjoyable enough for most, so I will take it- as if I have a choice. 

However, if the rest of the day is an indication of its start, then it did the trick. We all made our way through a busy day, positively and productively, even as both classes came together at the end of the day to plan for our field trip on Monday. Depending on the weather we are either going to an indoor or outdoor venue. We spent the last part of the afternoon preparing for both, as one will be Monday and the second next week, and then moved into independent work for the last half hour of the day, and their focus was impressive on a Friday afternoon. Pretty much everyone was engaged in the work of their choice and the afternoon was done before we knew it.

Now all that is left is to hope for sunshine on Monday and enjoy the weekend. I hope you do as well.